Let's address the elephant (or rather, the spider) in the room: barking spiders are vocal creatures, and their acoustic expressions tend to sound remarkably similar to certain... human bodily functions. This guide will help you navigate social situations when your arachnid companions decide to provide unwanted sound effects.
The Excuse Chart: Ranked by Believability
Based on three years of field testing in various social situations, I've compiled this helpful chart of excuses. Results may vary depending on delivery confidence and specific acoustic qualities.
| Excuse | Believability Rating | Best Used When | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| "Must be the pipes." | ★★★★☆ | In older buildings | Classic. Works in almost any home with plumbing. |
| "My chair squeaks." | ★★★★☆ | Already sitting | Subtly shift in your seat while saying this. |
| "Did you hear that motorcycle outside?" | ★★★☆☆ | Near windows | Effective for deeper barks. Bonus points if you look concerned about noise pollution. |
| "My stomach has been making weird noises all day." | ★★★☆☆ | After meals | Medical excuses generate sympathy rather than suspicion. |
| "I'm testing a sound effects app." | ★★☆☆☆ | With tech-savvy friends | Requires having your phone visible and ready to demonstrate a fake app. |
| "I have a barking spider." | ★☆☆☆☆ | With very close friends | Honesty is a last resort and will typically be interpreted as a joke. |
Advanced Techniques: The Art of Distraction
Sometimes, no excuse is better than an obvious one. In these situations, employ strategic distraction techniques:
- The Sudden Sneeze: Time a fake sneeze to coincide with spider barks. This masks the sound and redirects attention.
- The Dropped Item: Deliberately drop something (keys work well) to create a louder, more socially acceptable noise.
- The Topic Pivot: "That reminds me..." followed by any compelling subject change. Delivery speed is crucial here.
- The Environmental Blame: Glance at the ceiling fan, air vent, or any mechanical device and say, "That doesn't sound right."
- The Volume Adjustment: If music or TV is playing, quickly adjust the volume when a bark occurs.
Room-by-Room Strategies
Living Room
The most common site for social embarrassment. Keep a TV remote handy to quickly raise volume. Consider strategic furniture placement that places you near sources of household noise (air vents, refrigerator, etc.)
Kitchen
A blessing for excuse opportunities. Blame the refrigerator, dishwasher, or even say you're testing a new kitchen timer. Keep a metal pot and wooden spoon nearby to create diversionary noise as needed.
Home Office
During video calls, invest in headphones with a microphone that doesn't pick up ambient room sound. Alternatively, become familiar with your mute button. If caught unmuted, blame computer speakers or notification sounds.
When All Else Fails: Owning It
If you've exhausted all excuses and distractions, consider taking the educational approach. I keep a laminated information card about "barking spiders" that I can produce in emergencies:
Did You Know?
"The barking spider (Arachnidus flatulentus) is a rare arachnid known for its distinctive vocalizations that mimic certain human sounds. These harmless creatures are found in homes worldwide and contribute to the ecosystem by eating dust mites."
This approach works approximately 12% of the time, but when it does, it transforms an awkward moment into an educational one.
A Personal Anecdote
During a particularly important job interview (conducted in my home due to pandemic restrictions), Winston decided to deliver his most resonant bark just as I was answering a question about "handling unexpected challenges." Without missing a beat, I incorporated it into my answer: "For instance, that sound you just heard is a perfect example of an unexpected challenge I face daily when working from home - old pipes that make strange noises at inopportune moments. I've learned to adapt by..."
I got the job, and to this day, my boss still occasionally asks if I've "fixed those pipes yet." Some excuses become part of your personal brand if you commit to them fully.